When Kids And Training Collide
We’ve all been there; hubby is working, kids are sick or life just happens and you end up stuck with the choice to train or do the mum thing. Or both. But when you’re training for large scale endurance events, training sessions are not just 30 minutes here and there; we’re talking 3 hours on the bike, 1-2 hours on the legs and endless laps of the pool. And while you can’t really train with the kids when your coach says it’s 1.5km swim day (unless you want to try and smash out as many laps before the lifeguard comes and drags your arse back to the kiddie pool where your little shits are playing unsupervised. Seriously, adult til over 12?? Come on!!) this ironmum has come up with a couple of pre-emptive solutions for long hauls on the bike or deadly treadly.
Say it with me ladies……YOUTUBE!!!! Invest in headphones and plug them into an ipad, ipod, iphone, iwhatever and I’ll guarantee you’ll be done with your 4-hour pedal on the wind trainer, showered, eaten and having a coffee before they are ready to relinquish control.
If you’ve spent all your money on triathlon racing gear and you’re a poor bugger without the coolest Apple/Samsung thingy, DVD’s work. Or old school Saturday morning cartoons. You know ABCKIds runs the same infuriating, high pitched, annoying AF animated bullshit ALL DAY LONG? Make the most of it and plonk the kids in front of the big screen. Its free and they get educated…….Play School wouldn’t still be around if it wasn’t teaching them stuff.
Within YOUR arms reach of the bike or treadmill, make sure you have stockpiled snacks, tissues, water bottles, the TV remote and your mobile phone. When a kid whinges, throw a packet their way. Or the remote. In desperate times, your phone with wifi activated (see above justification for this disgusting motherly crime!). I don’t recommend lollies because your kids will lose their sugar shit and chances are you’ll have to dismount to deal with that crap. Or water bottles or fruit, because #headinjury. Which also tend to cause unnecessary bitching and subsequent need for medical attention. By you. Usually whilst running at number 2 incline, 5km/hr roughly 7 minutes before you’re finished your 2-hour stint. That’s more annoying than getting your period on race day.
Priorities peeps – stock up!
I have two guns in my house. I commandeered them from my stepson. One is a large scale Nerf Gun and the other is a small, pump-action-type water pistol that shoots a water stream further than all 4 of my sons in a pissing contest combined. It gives me deeply satisfying, partially concerning pleasure when I shoot my kids with these guns. I tell myself I’m practicsing hand-eye co-ordination, valuable for any race event, but truthfully I just enjoy the horror on their faces when I silence their incessant bitching and fighting (that must always escalate when I am immersed in a training session) with a shot of water, or a foam bullet, to the crutch with the precision of Black Widow in a Marvel movie. I may or may not have, once or twice, likened myself to the leather-encased, sprinting superhero, shooting the bad guys as I run around looking hot AF. Makes the km’s fly by!
When All Else Fails….Sing!
OK this one is for those of us with teenagers. The sure-fire way for all teenagers to leave their Mum alone is for her to sing. Preferably to something uber-mumly, like Pink or Beyonce, with mandatory grunting and twerking for added ‘flavour’. Tell them you are improving lung function and go to town on those high notes babe!
**Not suggested under any circumstances for Mums of toddlers and girls around 6-12 years old. They will sniff the impending disco a mile away and descend with dress ups, makeup, possible lighting and a posse of Barbies/dolls/stuffed teddies to join in or watch the show. No way, that spotlight is all mine hunny!!!
Training with kids around is annoying, but not impossible. Do your best and get it done, however you can. You’ll feel better for it, you know it!